Swan's Take: Biggest Error
By Jessica Swan
Staff Columnist
This past October the Philadelphia Phillies proved heart and teamwork are a winning combination when they beat the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series.
As an avid watcher and lifetime fan, this was the end of an era for me and any other Philadelphia sports fan who has been starving for a championship in the city of brotherly love.
After one dream of mine was realized this year, I’m anxiously awaiting the end of another era and the dawn of a better time through the inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama.
In addition to the end of these eras, this is also the end of my era as a columnist for The Slate, so in summation, let’s take a look back at the man to whom I owe my inspiration for writing: the worst president in the history of the United States — President George W. Bush.
I am only 21 years old; therefore Bush has been in office for close to one third of my lifetime.
In that seemingly short amount of time he has managed to do so many awful things that Santa will most likely bring him coal into the after life.
In the beginning, Al Gore was robbed of the presidency in 2000, though he now has an Oscar-award winning documentary to show for it.
I cannot even begin to think of the many ways that our country would be different if Al Gore had been president.
Instead we got the spoiled son of a former president.
Sept. 11 was a terrible tragedy that our commander in thief marketed in order to push the United States into a never-ending war in Iraq, while the real terrorists continue to brainwash children and recruit ruthless members to hate Americans.
He’s lucky he was never hired to coach a major sports team, because with play-calling like that he’d be without a job.
You could practically see the oil wells gleaming in the eyes of the former governor of Texas as American troops invaded “enemy” territory in search of weapons they would never find.
Still, for no apparent reason, our not-so-articulate chief of state proclaimed victory in front of a large “Mission Accomplished” sign.
Americans are still dying in Afghanistan and Iraq every day.
No mission will be accomplished until Iraq is free from our pseudo-imperial rule over their country, American soldiers are safely at home, and Bush is as familiar to the American people as a fleeting nightmare in a land full of renewed hope and realizable dreams.
The man didn’t stop there; instead he went where no man has gone before.
No, I’m not talking about taking a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney; though Bush has not mastered properly masticating pretzels.
Our soon to be former president isn’t stupid enough to hunt with his ruthless contemporary.
Rather, he took our great country as close to a totalitarian dictatorship as it has ever been.
Though most American’s still don’t understand the necessity of half of the stipulations of the Patriot Act, one thing is clear: Americans’ rights were unfairly relinquished in a post-crisis period.
This man who claims to embrace Christian values has consistently capitalized on the fears of the American people in order to empower himself and those around him.
He used an unnecessary war to seek oil and to finish the job his father couldn’t, while rewarding those who paid his way into office.
It’s about time for a president by the people, for the people, and for that you can thank whichever deity you embrace for Obama.
You see, at the end of this era of endless jokes and relentlessly cynical sarcasm, the political system and intelligent pundits everywhere will be in a sort of culture shock.
Hope has come to replace the fear that Bush and company had marketed so well.
So at this defining moment in history with a man, 10 times that of Bush, on the brink of inauguration there is only one thing left for the worst president in history to do: the pardons.
I, for one, can’t wait for the day because there is only one phrase I want to hear, “I, President George W. Bush do hereby pardon myself for the many ills I have committed against the English language. I never meant to create so many new phrases, and for that I am hardly sorry.”
This presidency, my fellow Americans, is the end of the greatest error this country has ever made.
Do not erase the anguish you have felt from your mind as you Christmas shop with Wall Street on your mind, rather hold on to that memory and take solace in Jan. 20, the dawn of a new age in this our great country.
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