I have a reoccurring problem, and by problem, I mean that around 7 p.m. every night I fart so badly and so silently that I create an unsuspecting toxic cloud with a radius of about 20 feet. If the armed forces were looking for a potent weapon, they need look no further than me — 5 feet of unsuspecting “reeking” havoc.

To readers who read my last column, I’m sorry to keep harping on the same subject, but there are some things that just cannot be ignored.

For instance, a few nights ago, during one of my catering shifts, I was sitting at a table across from a co-worker as we rolled silverware. For about every three silverware bundles that I rolled, I released at least one fart. There was not much I could do about it, so I kept working, pretending that I did not notice and hoping that my coworker did not, either.

Then my supervisor walked over and stood by our table for about four seconds before asking, “Why does it smell like rotting eggs?” She then began to sniff everything in the vicinity, shoving her nose into a pile of napkins and saying, “Seriously, where is it coming from? I wonder if a drain backed up.”

I then watched her stick her head into a trash can and say, “No, it’s not the trash.” This was the point of no return. I officially smelled worse than garbage and there was no way I was admitting to that. She spent about 20 minutes trying to find the source of the smell, but she never guessed it was me.

So, after realizing my gas smelled worse than a trash can, I decided that I needed a solution. Farting may lead to funny stories, but it is also embarrassing and gross and makes everyone — not just the culprit — unhappy.

I know my problem is partly rooted to the food that I eat. Between my questionable free shift meals and my either intentional or accidental dairy intake, I turn into a human composter — the kind that houses maggots. One solution would be to stop eating the food that disagrees with me, but there is no way I am turning down a free meal, and it is difficult to get rid of dairy entirely.

My solution at work was to keep moving — rocketing around the building infusing everything with “Eau de Natalie.” Part of my theory is that if I make everything smell, people will adapt to it and will not notice that I am its origin.

I also tried inventing a few small, quick fixes to my problem. I tried coffee, thinking that the “coffee makes you poop” idea would help to push out anything in my system — but this didn’t do much more than make me have to pee every 10 minutes. I also tried running really fast and doing intense crunches, but this didn’t squeeze the gas out of me like I had originally hoped.

However, to anyone going through this same problem — there is hope. On Friday, I started a new regimen. A half hour before each meal, I now take a pill-form of peppermint extract and then right before my meal I take an off-brand of Beano. Peppermint sooths irritable stomachs and products like Beano use enzymes to break down the carbohydrates that some stomachs have difficulty digesting.

Because I used both at the same time, I have no idea which worked better, but I was just thankful to be gas-free for a few days. This week, I will experiment some more to see if I can solely use the peppermint or the enzymes to stay fresh and stink free.

If anyone else has any ideas to help others with gas problems or wants to share their own funny stories, reach out to The Slate’s Facebook page, “TheSlate,” or tweet to @ShipUSlate.

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