“You can’t lose something you never had,” Kate Hudson says as she struts away from Matthew McConaughey in the 2003 classic “How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days.” Well, Kate, times have changed and I beg to differ. The ever-changing culture of relationships has cultivated one of the most uniquely painstaking affairs one can be in: The Situationship.

For those lucky enough to be unfamiliar, a situationship is a relationship, whether romantic or sexual, that is considered neither formal nor established. This means all the activities of a relationship without the security of actually being in one. If you are not the commitment type, this may be perfect for you.

However, I have watched some of my fellow ladies endure the agony of a situationship in hopes of finally receiving more than what they give. The problem is, they feel they cannot discuss the torment of their almost-relationship due to it not yet being official. If you fit the above description, this one is for you, and I am here to get you out of the trenches.

Situationships are a staple in the realm of college connections (you cannot spell “situationship” without “ship”) and I’ve experienced a few of them myself, so I am here to tell you loud and clear — it is not fun when you are denying yourself of what you truly want in an effort to keep someone else happy. Maybe your partner is stringing you along, dangling the concept of being in a relationship in front of you — or maybe the both of you have yet to lay your intentions on the table. I have previously preached about the importance of listening to your instincts, and now is the time to put those gut feelings into motion.

Listen closely, there is nothing wrong with wanting a genuine, established relationship with the person you care about. However, pretending that what you want does not matter just to make someone else feel comfortable is the equivalent of locking yourself in your own prison. Be honest with yourself, do not let it continue for longer than it needs to and keep this in mind — being vulnerable enough to care about someone is infinitely more brave than pretending to be careless as a method of self-preservation. 

Once you have finally freed yourself, it may not be the greatest feeling in the world. In fact, whether things lasted 10 days or 10 months, you may need some time to grieve what could have been. Some consider the end of a situationship to be more painful than the breakup of an established relationship. This may be because in most cases, imagining the potential of being “boo’d up” was what fueled your devotion. 

There is a slew of science behind the situationship explaining why they feel like quicksand to escape from. This is due to the factors of dopamine and intermittent reinforcement. Established relationships provide continuous reinforcement, wherein if you “press the button” (shower them with compliments, show affection or do an act of service for your significant other), that is rewarded by being reciprocated. However, in unestablished relationships, the button will be pressed knowing there may be no reward, creating an increased motivation to press the button more often in hopes of receiving the reward.

Dopamine is more commonly released when we are unsure if we will be rewarded, motivating us to continue to invest in the gamble. The uncertainty of the connection is what triggers the release of dopamine and reinforces the urge to try again. We feel this way towards people not necessarily because they are our soulmate, but because our brain chemistry responds to inconsistent behavior. Imagine that.

If you find yourself down in the dumps after freeing yourself from the throes of intermittent reinforcement, ask yourself what was real and what was imagined? We often find ourselves rooting for our person-who-isn’t-our-person so intensely that we forget to separate the qualities they have shown from who you had hyped them up to be in your head. 

After you have separated the two, try not to beat yourself up for dreaming too strongly. You can take the hopes you had as an indicator of what you should strive for in the future. There are no shortcuts to healing from heartbreak. Allow yourself to feel it, and you will heal from it eventually. In time, I have found that I am able to more clearly see past relationships for what it was rather than what I had hoped. 

All in all, losing your chance with someone is never easy. Technicalities aside, always bear in mind that no matter the situation, denying yourself what you know you deserve will never result in your happiness. Validation from a significant other is not always something to depend on, but your own validation is the only surefire source of happiness you can grant yourself. Time is a wonderful thing that can heal and even lend you more clarity on the ordeal. And, who knows? After some time, they may come to realize what they lost. In the meantime, I want you to do three things for me — sit back, relax and do you. If you are what they are looking for, they will know where to find you. If not, thank them for deciding not to waste your time.

Whenever I lose all hope regarding relationships, I am reminded of my parents. They both graduated from Shippensburg in 1995 and have since been married for 27 years. At times, I admit, their love for each other stands so strongly that I cannot help but feel a slight twinge of jealousy, though I must credit them for exemplifying everything I now know about real love. My mom once shared with me a word of advice that I keep coming back to — “When the right person comes along, it will be easy and smooth. No games. So, say ‘thank you’ for that experience because you are now one step closer to your forever person.”

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