Whatever happened to Matthew Vaugh? I mean obviously he’s still working, but why can’t he make a good movie anymore? “X-Men: First Class” is the best “X-Men” movie and “Kingsman: The Secret Service” is one of the best action films of the past decade, but ever since then it’s been dud after dud. 

Despite these past blunders, I was still optimistic for “Argylle”. Sure, the PG-13 rating and obnoxious marketing had me concerned, but the cast was easily Vaughn’s most stacked one yet, so I thought they could at least save it. I was so very wrong.

Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) is the author of the popular “Argylle” series of spy novels. However, when she crosses paths with real-life spy Aidan Wilde (Sam Rockwell) she realizes her latest book isn’t as fictitious as she thought. The two must go on a globe-trotting adventure to stop the villainous Director Ritter (Bryan Cranston) and the Division. The film also features Henry Cavill, John Cena, Catherine O’Hara, Ariana DeBose and Dua Lipa.

Sadly, if you’re excited to see all these stars, you’ll be terribly disappointed because one of “Argylle’s” biggest sins is the waste of an absolutely stellar cast. Bryce Dallas Howard is an actress who is more than capable of playing strong and competent characters, but sadly for the majority of the film’s bloated runtime she’s forced to play this almost offensive emotional mess. This especially becomes insulting when you approach the film’s horrendous twist, but we’ll get there when we get there. 

Sam Rockwell is playing the typical Sam Rockwell type, while actors like Cena and Cranston are incredibly underutilized. Catherine O’Hara, one of the funniest women working in Hollywood is given the thankless role of the main character’s mother. However, we need to talk about Henry Cavill. Not only is he barely in the movie and when he is in it, it’s ruined by some awful editing, but that haircut is one of the worst I’ve ever seen. They quite literally massacred my boy.

Bad haircuts and wasted actors aside, I don’t think any performer could save a script this scatterbrained. For starters, this film is almost two and a half hours long, and there’s maybe enough story here for 90 minutes. The film is constantly spinning its wheels repeating information to us over and over again, while also repeating the same beats. I’m not exaggerating when I say they do; the character betrays a character, only to immediately get back together with the troupe at least three separate times in 45 minutes. What little story there really is at the heart of this movie, they decided to make up for it by just having some of the dumbest plot twists I’ve seen in a movie.

The crux of the film’s marketing is “Who is the real Agent Argylle?”, and let me tell you the answer is astoundingly stupid. Without giving too much away, the twist is bad for the reason many other twists are bad, if you think about it for more than two seconds the whole movie becomes unraveled. Sure, it’s shocking, but then you have to sit and think about it and you realize it makes no sense.

For me however, the biggest insult of all was just how terrible the action was. Say what you will about Matthew Vaughn’s previous work, but each one had a memorable action set piece. “Kingsman” had the church scene, “Golden Circle” had the car fight, and “The King’s Man” had the Rasputin fight. Unfortunately, the action of “Argylle” is so watered down (blame PG-13) and the editing makes everything feel so slow and staged. The only visually interesting scene ironically was the scene where you could barely see anything.

“Argylle” is a terrible start to my 2024 viewing and has me incredibly nervous for the year ahead. From laughably bad dialogue, twists, effects and editing to the total waste of an all-star cast, it’s already secured itself a spot on the worst of the year list and is easily Vaughn’s worst directorial effort thus far. 

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