“He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders just before she died.” I wanted to get the joke out of the way, because sadly, this incredible line is not in the finished movie. However, that does not mean there are not plenty more hilariously awful lines to be found in “Madame Web.”

The latest offering from Sony’s “Spider-Man” Universe has been the butt of the joke for many movie fans (and even some of its stars) since the trailer debuted in November. From the stilted-looking performances of its lead, to the CW-level effects, goofy editing and aforementioned dialogue, it was shaping up to be a new low for comic book movies. Especially coming at a time when they are seemingly at their lowest (“The Flash” and “Quantumania,” for example).

Now that the film is finally here, I can say it is a masterpiece of bad cinema and it has my full recommendation. “Madame Web” is a must-watch for anyone in need of a good laugh. I do not even know where to begin.

I guess we need to address the biggest elephant in the room, and that is the script. I do not know how much of it can be blamed on the editing, the audio team in post or the performers, but I do not think even the greatest minds in Hollywood could save some of the dialogue. There is not a single spoken piece of dialogue that feels natural in any way. I do not want to make the accusation that this film was written with A.I., but if it were to come out that was the case, I would not be surprised in the least. Sentences run on for way too long, and if a character is spouting off exposition, they are just awkwardly stating exactly what is happening.

No joke, a scene early on has Dakota Johnson’s character, Cassandra, have a premonition of a pigeon flying into her window and dying. She opens the window, the pigeon flies into her apartment, and she says, “Guess you didn’t die.” Almost every single line comes off like that, and it is so funny.

It also does not help that the performances are really bad, some being the worst of some of the actors’ entire careers. Johnson seems so disinterested, and if you have paid attention to the press tour for the film, it is pretty clear why that is. They gave glasses to a 26-year-old Sydney Sweeney to try and convince us she is a 16-year-old, and it is not convincing for one second.

However, no actor was done dirtier than Tahar Rahim, who plays the main villain, Ezekiel Sims. While I am not familiar with his previous works, I feel so bad for him that I almost want to watch his other projects out of pure pity. He is the biggest victim of the worst ADR (Automatic Dialogue Replacement). I have no idea how anyone with ears could listen to any scene he was in and think that it was ready for release. It sounds like the terrible English dubbing you would find in a ’70s martial arts film. Half the time his lips are not even moving when he speaks.

While I understand that this film has a significantly smaller budget than most blockbuster superhero films, it still cost $80 million. There are hundreds of thousands of films with a fraction of that money that can at least get the lips to match the words. The film really does not try too hard to fight those CW allegations.

As a superhero film, heck, even a competently made one, “Madame Web” fails on all cylinders. If you were hoping to see four Spider-Women fight an evil Spider-Man, you will be sorely disappointed. The three heroines of the film (Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O’Connor) are only in their super suits for a grand total of two minutes. It also does not help that there is a transphobe jumpscare early on because Emma Roberts randomly appears as Peter Parker’s mother.

Despite all my complaining and criticisms, “Madame Web” is mandatory viewing for anyone in the mood for a movie so terrible it works its way around to being amazing. It fails to get a single thing right about the movie-making process, and at just under two hours, there is rarely a dull moment. Plus, “Madame Web” gives viewers the kindness many other bad Marvel movies refuse to offer by ending when the credits roll and having nothing to keep you there any longer than you need to be.

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