As Kim Cattrall once said in an interview with The Guardian: “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself.” Also, as the great Serena Van Der Woodsen once said, "I have to go."

Both of these mantras have rung true for me. Too many times I have been in a relationship, friendship, or group setting where I have noticed red flags or unwanted behaviors straightaway before telling myself it would be best to “feel it out”, thinking I may have caught them on a bad day. It was when I noticed this thought process that I realized I often make excuses for the behavior of others when, in reality, they may be showing me exactly who they are.

I noticed this was a bad habit when chatting with my best friend Alex over lunch. I was explaining to her how I had felt like I didn’t belong in a club I had considered joining, but decided I should attend more of their events to form an accurate opinion on the group. This made my friend furrow her brows and cock her head to the side, and I could read exactly what it meant: she couldn’t possibly fathom why I would willingly put myself into a situation I did not enjoy. 

I then shared with her that someone I had known in high school began making me uncomfortable through social media, to which she was appalled at how I had yet to block him. It dawned on me how sublimely simple it was to remove this discomfort from my life.

The difference between my friend Alex and I is this: Alex is the kind of person who never loses sight of how interesting, intelligent, and fun she is. Alex knows that life is short and knows exactly what she deserves. I, on the other hand, have a wavering self-esteem and often wonder if I deserve anything at all. I deeply resonate with a quote from comedian John Mulaney: “you could pour soup into my lap and I would probably apologize to you.” 

This mindset tends not to put me in good places. As a chronic people-pleaser, I have found that when I devalue myself into believing I am uninteresting and unworthy, I find myself continuing to commit to settings that make me uncomfortable—or just plain drained. Still, before I set a boundary, the excuses come rolling in: “what if we eventually find something in common and I’ll never find out because I stopped hanging out with them?” “My partner has made me feel hurt and belittled every day this week, but I can tolerate it because he may just be stressed.” “They seem to like me, so I shouldn’t mind if their energy drains me each time we hang out.” “What they said hurt me, but I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way.” These excuses are rooted in insecurity and self-doubt, causing me to subject myself to environments I don’t want to be in.

Thankfully, I find myself in much more enjoyable social situations when I decide to ditch those who don’t make me feel great (in a reasonable and respectful manner, of course) and seek to surround myself with those who bring out the best in me. A habit that has greatly improved my quality of life is to be intentional in making decisions that best serve you, while learning (gulp) not to feel guilty when putting yourself first. After expressing my dilemma, my best friend offered me words that stick with me: “Your time is a gift, so don’t give it to people who don’t deserve it.” By neglecting to put yourself first, you are teaching everyone that you come second.

If you are ever in a situation where you feel uncomfortable and conclude that the experience is not worth your time, consider exercising your free will by leaving. The situation does not need to be downright excruciating to be worth leaving–this is applicable to dropping a class that makes you feel hopeless, leaving a lecture when you are feeling ill and going to your room to take care of yourself or leaving a painful relationship that makes you bang your head against a wall. There is strength in deciding it’s time to go.

It is so fulfilling to remove yourself from a confining situation and realize how many spaces exist for you that are so much more comfortable. It may not please everyone, but maybe the choice that pleases everyone isn’t always the right one. Discard the urge to assume the role of the “chill” person, friend or partner who never complains, because let’s be honest, those are just synonyms for being a human doormat.

Knowing when to leave is so important, whether it’s the party, the job, or the relationship. When you are evaluating your obligations and what boundaries to set, I recommend choosing discomfort over resentment. This week, I dare you to tell someone “no” when that is what your heart evokes you to say. Leave that social situation when you are not gaining anything from the experience and drop that person who has been draining you. Revoke their access to you like their trial has ended and their card has declined. Have the courage to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, and to set boundaries—and never be afraid to hit that block button.

Whenever you feel like you're not enough and you're asking for too much, remember there are eight billion people on this planet–there is a high chance that you will find someone who will honor your boundaries.

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